Co-Regulation and the Calm Adult
- Sukanksha Bajaj
- Jan 19
- 4 min read
Updated: 1 day ago
Co-regulation, burnout, and sustainable care in neurodivergent relationships
“I’ve gotten used to it.”
“They can’t help it.”
“Other parents can move on. I don’t think I ever will.”
These are not careless statements. They are the words of an exhausted nervous system.
Nervous system & Co-regulation
I read somewhere that..
“Children borrow the adult’s nervous system to regulate themselves.”
Then I researched…
This is mainly because children can’t self- regulate themselves i.e self-regulation is a person’s ability to regulate internal states, feelings, and behaviours so they depend on others.
Parents, caregivers, and educators supporting neurodivergent children don’t just plan, organise, or problem-solve. Very often, they lend something more to their nervous system.
That’s called Co-regulation which is a real and necessary process. Children who are still developing self-regulation rely on the adults around them to feel safe, steady, and secure.
It is biology.
It is development.
It is how nervous systems grow.
As I grew into this field, I began to notice something else. Techniques matter, of course but techniques can be learnt, refined, even perfected. What felt different in my sessions wasn’t the technique itself. It was the sense of safety. The children settled quickly. They liked being in the room with me. And over time, I realised that much of that safety came from how I showed up- calm, smiling, steady and non-judemental.
That calm mattered. It allowed children to feel regulated enough to engage, to try, to stay. In many ways, it did exactly what co-regulation is meant to do.
What I didn’t recognise at the time was the cost. This shows that it happens to teachers too.
Without realising it, I was allowing children to rely heavily on my nervous system to regulate themselves. Over the years, that began to take a toll. The work itself remained meaningful, even energising. But outside of work, it didn’t serve me in the same way. I was carrying that same regulation into other relationships too and that’s when I started to feel the burn out. This shows that it happens to teachers too!
That’s when the distinction became clear to me: co-regulation is crucial but it has to live within boundaries. When it doesn’t, even the most well-intentioned love and care can become unsustainable.
The Process of Building Boundaries
Most of you already know this. You live it every day.
But what we talk about far less is what happens to the adult when co-regulation becomes constant, one-sided, and unquestioned.
It gets taken for granted by you and others. Over time, we get used to it, hyper vigilance becomes normal. Being “the calm one” or “the one incharge” becomes an identity. Exhaustion is explained away as part of the role.
You tell yourself:
They really need me.
They can’t manage without this support.
If I don’t hold things together, everything will fall apart.
And slowly, without anyone intending harm, your nervous system fries.
This doesn’t always show up as obvious distress. Sometimes it looks like:
chronic fatigue
irritability
withdrawal from social spaces
physical symptoms that don’t fully resolve
a constant sense of being “on”
These are signs that your system has been working overtime and needs a break before health issues start.This isn’t emotionally sustainable and needs to change because stress adds up over time.
This is where guilt often enters the picture.
The Importance of Being Selfish
Many caregivers worry that stepping back, setting boundaries, or choosing rest means they are being selfish or worse, abandoning the child. That belief needs to be challenged gently but firmly.
Taking responsibility does not come at the cost of yourself.
Support is not the same as sacrifice.
You can be deeply committed and still acknowledge limits.You can care without carrying everything. You can teach regulation without modelling self-neglect.
In fact, when adults never pause, never rest, never choose themselves even in small ways, the child learns something else: that regulation comes from outside, not within. In a way, a learning opportunity has been taken away from them. We aren’t teaching them regulation, accountability or responsibility, we are only teaching them dependence.
This is where the idea of a “selfish act” becomes important. It is not choosing yourself over the child.
It is choosing something for yourself so that your nervous system can get a break. This is crucial for sustainability because otherwise the relationship turns to dysregulation as the child grows up.
A walk alone.
Saying no to one extra responsibility.
Letting someone else hold the fort for a while. At least a part of it.
Pausing before automatically stepping in to solve every situation.
These acts don’t weaken support- they protect it.
Balance doesn’t mean everything is equal.It means noticing when the load has quietly become unsustainable.
Regulation & Expectations
We need to change our thinking patterns- this matters especially in neurodivergent contexts, where regulation may look different, uneven, or slower. Struggling with self-regulation does not mean a person is incapable of it. It means they need scaffolding, not replacement and sometimes that takes time.
Many times a parent when we compare and see our child lagging behind we start over functioning and fail to realise or check if the child has really caught up. Missing in the moment doesn’t mean missing forever so keep checking.
A parent once said to me, “ I know he can handle it, but I just got so used to him depending on me that I didn’t even realise.” (Checkout the blog on expectations from a neurodivergent child)
Your role is not to become their nervous system forever.
Your role is to help build one.
And that work cannot happen if yours is constantly running on empty.If this resonates, it’s not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’ve been doing a lot, often alone, often quietly, often without acknowledgement. Care that includes you is not selfish. It is emotionally sustainable.
If this was helpful, a share or a like helps it reach others who may need it.
Comments