The Power of Expectations: How Adults Shape a Child’s Future

“Never underestimate a child with special needs.”

That was the advice our professor repeated to us during training. Even though I specialised in learning difficulties, the children we worked with had diverse, complex needs. She would remind us that even if a child has a low IQ or is classified as intellectually disabled, they can still learn. Perhaps not in the ways we expect, even if all they master this month is brushing their teeth and that is learning too!

Thirteen years later, I know that truer words have never been spoken.

Across these years of working closely with teachers and families, I’ve seen a pattern emerge: when a child is diagnosed with learning difficulties, expectations automatically reduce. One parent once told me,

“When we first learned about our son’s difficulties in certain academic areas, we were initially disappointed. We all have expectations for our children and want them to succeed.”

A parent’s first worry is rarely about the present moment. Their mind rushes forward- to their child’s friendships, their independence, their future, their career, and sometimes the sacrifices the family might now have to make. And almost instinctively, the first thing many parents do is lower their expectations.

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How Does This Affect Them?

Psychology (Expectation- value theory) also reminds us that expectations shape motivation. Children engage best when two things come together:

They believe they can succeed (their sense of capability).

They see value in the task (why it matters, feels meaningful, or is useful to them).

When both are present, children try harder, persist longer, and learn more. But when expectations are either too high or too low, it creates a mismatch leading to doubt, frustration, or a loss of motivation. Think about a situation where someone doubted you ability, how did it impact you?

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So Why Do Our Expectation Drop?

We know our expectations influence behaviour. There are many reasons why expectations drop the moment a diagnosis enters the room.

1. The Label Itself

ADHD

Autism

Dyslexia

Leaning disabilities 

Labels can feel overwhelming. A label often gets interpreted as a sign that the child will struggle. So we begin planning for the worst. As parents, we think lowering expectations will protect the child from stress or disappointment. As teachers, we shift our expectations automatically, assuming it’s the “kindest” thing to do. But in both cases, we forget that a label describes challenges; it does not define potential.

2. Misinformation (and the spiral of worst-case scenarios)

Once a child receives a diagnosis, parents naturally search online. And the internet provides everything from general explanations to horror stories. Very quickly, the mind jumps to the worst possibilities. I often hear,

“Will this happen to my child too?”

It’s essential to remember:

• All neurodevelopmental differences exist on a spectrum.

• Some countries categorise disabilities as mild, moderate, and severe; others use different grading systems.

• Co morbidity matters too- this is when a diagnosis can have more than one diagnosis like ADHD and specific learning difficulties. 

• And importantly, outcomes depend on so much more than the diagnosis: family support, cultural context, early intervention, access to services, acceptance, and the school environment.

  
  

Expecting the worst based on someone else’s experience is not only inaccurate, it’s unfair to the child.

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Severity of a Diagnosis Matters

The severity of a diagnosis often shapes expectations, but not always in the healthiest way.

When the disability is mild, and a child’s social or academic skills seem “fine,” adults sometimes don’t adjust expectations at all. This is problematic. Mild does not mean “no support needed.” These children often mask, compensate, or work twice as hard to appear average.

I think we have a misconception that if a child has a disability, they should be failing. I have a student right now who gives up sleep to keep up. He works harder than anyone in his class, competes with the best, and often wins. His marks range from 75–95% in almost every subject. 

Is he happy? Yes. 

Are his parents and teachers happy? Absolutely.

On the surface, he’s thriving.

The system is celebrating him. But beneath that, no one sees the sheer amount of effort it takes. He is over functioning and overcompensating, doing twice the work of his peers just to stay in the same place. He believes that if he pushes through high school and gets into a top college, he can finally relax. But that’s not how neurodivergence works.

He’s moving at a pace that is simply not sustainable in the long run. Half my time with him is spent persuading him to sleep, play a sport, go outside, or meet friends but it rarely happens.

(I’ve seen this pattern before. You can read that story here.)

On the other hand, when the disability is moderate to severe, families and teachers tend to do the opposite, they lower expectations drastically and begin overcompensating. This is also problematic. Support is necessary, but lowering the child’s world too much can limit their growth, independence, and sense of self.

Research consistently backs this up:

• Lower expectations are linked to poorer self-concept, especially in children with general learning or emotional/behavioural difficulties.

• Parental expectations strongly influence academic progress. What parents believe their child is capable of becomes a powerful factor in their confidence and achievement.

• Another study found that parents’ expectations directly predicted post-school outcomes. This relationship varied by disability type. Autonomy did not mediate the link, but higher expectations did predict greater autonomy and autonomy predicted several important post-school activities. 

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So what can we do?

1. Understand the profile of your child

A person's strengths(purple), interests(green), motivations(blue) and Areas that need support (yellow) all make up a person's individuality.

Difficulty is only one part of a child’s personality; it is not the whole picture. This is where many adults unintentionally narrow their view.

I have a student who would be categorised under “severe” ADHD and learning difficulties, but his language skills and comprehension are stronger than some children placed in the “mild” category. This is why understanding a child’s strengths, interests, and motivations is just as important as understanding their challenges.

2. Set Realistic Targets

This step is crucial because expectations can build or break a child’s sense of success and self-belief.

I once worked with a student who was struggling with math, consistently scoring around 20–30%. His father printed “90%” in big bold letters and put it on the wall. A traditional motivational strategy:

“Aim for the sky and you’ll reach the stars.”

But for this child, the weight of that number crushed him.He shut down, and his anxiety spilled over into all subjects. Realistic targets mean meeting the child where they are and doesn’t pressurise.

3. Appraise and Re-Appraise

Children grow and their brains mature, timing matters more than we realise. A child who wasn’t ready for a skill last year may be ready now. Just because they can’t do something today doesn’t mean they will always struggle with it. 

Your aim is always long-term: independence- Let them try. Let them struggle a little. Let them figure things out while you provide the safety net.

When we lower expectations too much or do things for them, we remove learning opportunities that build resilience, confidence, and competence and it leads to us burning out as well in the long run.

4. Stay Curious

Children progress or regress depending on their environment, body, support systems, and daily experiences.

Curiosity allows you to notice patterns:

• What helped today?

• What didn’t?

• What changed in the environment?

• What strategy clicked unexpectedly?

Break tasks down as small as needed- you’ll be surprised they achieve far more when the steps match their pace.

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The research is clear: expectations shape confidence, learning, autonomy, and long-term outcomes. But in practice, expectations must be flexible, compassionate, and personalised. When adults understand the whole child their strengths, interests, challenges, and motivations, expectations become tools for growth rather than barriers.

Our task is not to expect less or expect more. It is to expect wisely.

Key Takeaways

• A diagnosis often unintentionally lowers expectations but it shouldn’t define a child’s potential.

• Labels describe challenges; they do not predict what a child can achieve.

• Misinformation and worst-case stories can distort how parents see their child’s future.

• Severity levels (mild/moderate/severe) can mislead, every child has a unique profile of strengths and needs.

• Research shows lower expectations can harm self-concept, academic progress, and long-term outcomes.

• Children thrive when they believe they can succeed and when the task feels meaningful to them.

• Support works best when adults:

  • Understand the whole child

  • Set realistic targets

  • Re-evaluate skills over time

  • Stay curious and flexible

• Expectations should not shrink a child’s world they should create space for growth, independence, and discovery.

References:

McCoy, S., Maître, B., Watson, D., & Banks, J. (2016). The role of parental expectations in understanding social and academic well-being among children with disabilities in Ireland. European Journal of Special Needs Education, 31(4), 535–552.

Doren, B., Gau, J. M., & Lindstrom, L. E. (2012). The relationship between parent expectations and postschool outcomes of adolescents with disabilities. Exceptional Children, 79(1), 7–23. 

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