Why Nothing Sticks Without Self-Regulation
- Sukanksha Bajaj
- Jun 11
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 12
I lost a client — because his child got up during an online session to get sauce for her broccoli. And I let her.
My decision was simple. The child had just come back from school and was hungry. If I hadn’t allowed her to get the sauce, she would’ve spent the whole session thinking about it — distracted, disengaged, unable to process anything I was teaching. So what’s better? Let her lose 2 minutes of the session or 20 minutes of attention?
The parent saw this moment and was unhappy. The school had already begun raising concerns about her learning struggles. In the parent’s mind, all of this could be fixed with more discipline. I heard the fear behind those words. (You can see how this cycle plays out in my blog We're not fixing, we're Growing.)
But that moment made me reflect: What do we really mean when we say ‘discipline’?
What Is Discipline?
Naturally, I looked it up — I’m a geek that way. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines discipline as:
Training designed to establish desired habits of mind and behavior.
Control of conduct, usually a child’s, by means of punishment or reward.
What stood out to me was that word: CONTROL.
You can only teach discipline when there is some form of control. But in my world — as an Educational Therapist — that “control” must come from the child themselves first. What we are really aiming to teach is self-regulation.
So, Was the Problem Discipline?
Let’s think about it:
If my student had eaten before the session, would she still have gotten up? → Yes, possibly.
If I had imposed a strict “No getting up during sessions” rule, would it have worked? → Maybe temporarily — but likely with rebellion or resistance later.
So, is discipline really the problem? In part, yes. But is it the biggest problem? No.
In my view, discipline is a behavioural outcome — but there is an essential layer beneath it: self-regulation. If a child cannot self-regulate, we cannot expect them to follow instructions consistently. It needs to be built!
What Is Self-Regulation?
Here’s my simple definition: Self-regulation is the ability to control our thoughts, emotions, and actions so that we can behave in a way that is appropriate to the situation or complete a task.
Think of a moment when you had to self-regulate: Maybe you wanted to scream or jump with excitement but had to stay composed. Maybe you were hungry but needed to wait until lunch.
This happens to me all the time — especially when I’m frustrated because someone is being unreasonable, or when I must patiently wait for my students to figure out an answer themselves instead of jumping in. We self-regulate constantly. It influences every part of our lives.
And we all know at least one adult who struggles with it — the person who often loses control, struggles at work, or has trouble maintaining routines. Ironically, some adults overcompensate and stick to overly rigid routines, which is also a form of poor self-regulation.
Self-Regulation Affects Everything
Self-regulation is the foundation of everything we do — learning, social interactions, and emotional development.
This is where many of us get it wrong. We start by trying to impose discipline through control instead of helping the child develop control.
An authoritative approach forces compliance — but it doesn’t teach self-regulation.
And with many children, particularly those with ADHD or on the autism spectrum, this backfires.
Rules and rigid expectations lead to rebellion, burnout, or fragile compliance that eventually crumbles.
The Shadow Teacher Myth
I see this constantly in schools. When a child struggles with self-regulation, the first suggestion is often: “Get a shadow teacher.”
I get so many calls asking for a shadow teacher to improve “sitting behaviour” or help a child “copy from the board.” And then I ask: How old is the child? 3 or 4 years old.
It’s absurd. At that age, many children cannot self-regulate to such a degree. Some can; some comply; some can’t — and that’s okay!
Shadow teachers have an important role — but not for this. They should be used to support a child’s academic needs, not to force compliance with unrealistic behavioural expectations.
Can We Build Self-Regulation?
Yes — but it takes time, trust, and patience.
Everyone’s capacity for self-regulation differs. Some children naturally develop it; others need more support.
In my sessions, I take a flexible approach:
I don’t expect a child to sit for an hour from day one.
I start with 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, and gradually build up to longer periods.
I mix activities, provide breaks, and adapt to the child’s needs.
I give them reasonable non-negotiable rules to follow and some rules that are flexible because rules are important, they build structure.
A small moment of flexibility helps build trust and, over time, self-regulation.
Why? Because flexibility builds trust → trust enables learning → learning fosters true discipline. When the child feels seen, heard, and supported, they develop intrinsic motivation to engage, persist, and learn.
It may not be what schools demand, but it creates an environment where genuine growth can happen.
Give It Time
Ultimately, the key ingredient here is time.
Self-regulation is linked to the prefrontal cortex and executive functioning skills — planning, organising, multitasking, goal-directed behaviour. These are some of the last brain functions to mature — and they continue developing well into adulthood.
Our job, as educators and parents, is to help bridge gaps in development — not to expect perfection.
I have yet to meet anyone who is fully self-regulated all the time — not those who simply comply, but those who consistently and effectively regulate their emotions and behaviour while remaining calm. I want to reach that level of nirvana too. 😄
Final Thought
Before we rush to impose discipline, let’s ask ourselves: Are we self-regulated? Have we helped the child build the capacity to regulate themselves?
If we start there, discipline will follow — naturally, sustainably, and with much less conflict.
I’d Love to Hear From You!
When have you struggled to self-regulate?
Have you tried other approaches that helped children build this crucial skill?
I’d love to hear your stories — share your experiences and ideas in the comments!
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